And just when I thought that yesterday was almost done and over with, you came in with your swagger and disarming smile.

It kinda cheered me up a bit with all the small talk, and sometimes personal conversations.

It was terribly unnerving because I realized I was rambling all the freaking way.

And today was neutralized out in a way even though I really should be harboring more unhappiness.

looks like it has come to the ending that i have always dreaded.

it could have ended on a better note though. but looking at how dismal and bleak things were, it couldnt have been a lot better.

i believe you may blame me for everything, maybe not.

i know for sure that you wouldnt understand the humiliation of giving it up, or of standing by in the shadows continuously. the problem was, i let you have your way WAY too often. I accepted whatever you threw at me or whatever reason or explanation. My problem was I couldnt trust you or maybe i just dont trust people easily. maybe it's a problem with me, not you.

so many maybes, but what for?

i will no longer remain delusional.

I keep typing and typing but I just end up canceling everything and not hitting send.

I'm trying my damndest to not care, but still you're the only thing that crosses my mind ever so frequently.

I know, to you I'm this whiny irritating insensitive bitch who cares only about her own feelings. Not about yours. If only you held my hand or waited for me while I went through it, or maybe not said "I don't know" after I asked you the question, which eventually led to me deciding to go ahead with it.

Mrs sus recently had a miscarriage, and I feel like such a terrible human being. There are innocent babies and desperate amazing people out there who deserve their happiness, much more than I do. But why is it that I'm just about the only insane person who chose to take that one shred of hope away from myself?

I question myself every single night. No matter how much I try to stuff my

tummy with food, I still feel a gnawing hollow feeling. A small part was taken away that day, which can never be returned.

I wonder what's on your mind, what you are doing, whether you think of me like how I'm thinking of you. Are you?

Maybe it's called paying a price, but does anyone deserve such a heavy debt?

I think I'm much more bitchy now after my MVA. Not depressed or anything, just angsty and pissed and obviously bitchy and cranky.

You try going through a fucking MVA see you become cranky or not.

So now it's just me and my ob-gyn who know about it. And obviously my hundred bucks dose of General anesthesia is like an epidural in the room.

You have selective replies. I have selective words. I really wanna know what is my limit to all this.

and I would never wish an MVA upon anyone, not even my worst enemy.